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Saturday, November 21, 2015
I hate this. I hate it so much….but I can’t help it. I’m taking a hiatus from scrapping/tagging. This was incredibly hard for me to really look at and decide. I’ve taken short breaks in the past, and have my creativity pick right back up after a week or two. It’s been weeks since I’ve scrapped anything. I have a kit done but have no initiative or want to finish the preview. I really hate that my creativity took a hike right now. I’ve been making kits for 6 years now, and I love it. It’s helped me through some of the hardest moments of my life during that time frame. Tagging too! But, it’s not helping me now. I’m sitting here with tears running down my face because of the decision and how I feel overall. It might seem ridiculous to others, but anyone who really knows me, knows what this means to me. It’s brought me money to help pay bills, give back to the community, and find peace at moments and to have fun. I just am not there this time.

My health has declined a lot in the last year. The last six months alone have been very hard on me. Truth is, not everybody knows the whole story. I’m not ready to spill it all out either. What I will say is, the lack of good stuff I’m able to keep in my body has made it run down a whole lot faster. I’ve got some serious issues and it’s breaking me. Yes, I’m seeing a doctor and new specialists. Yes, I promise I’m doing what I can to take care of myself. For once, I really am! It’s the waiting game that’s getting me. I hate waiting, and I hate the unknown. I’m not used to this you know. I’m not used to not being able to fix something and make it better. I’m not used to not having some control over my life.

Things were getting better then, BAM! The shit hit the fan again. I’m exhausted all the bloody time. I want to sleep but it eludes me. Making adjustments with different medication changes, doesn’t help. I’ve been trying to go the all-natural supplement route for a few of the things, but it’s hard to find the right balance. It figures at the time that I start trying to get healthier, things get worse. I know I’m talking in circles, and I’m sorry.

My kids are dealing with a lot right now. Things are rocky at best some days. My husband is having issues at work and the thought of losing my house hangs over my head constantly. Because if he loses his job or is forced to quit, we’re screwed. I have no family to turn to. Yes a few out of state, but what can they do? My in-laws… HA….that’s a joke. It’s just hard to feel so alone in the world, even though you know you’re loved. I’m battling all of this and more, and I feel like some days, it pushes me farther and farther back. I don’t know how I can continue being strong and push through it. Instead, I’m trying to take it day by day, sometimes, hour by hour.

I know there will be those who understand, and those who won’t. I can promise you this, no matter what, I WILL return to scrapping. Because it is my passion. It’s just misplaced at the moment. I’ll always do my best to answer questions, or to reach out. But right now, it’s the hardest thing I can do. I’ve hurt my friends not meaning to with my lack of communication. I’ve closed myself off in order to deal with things. Even though, I know that is not ok. I don’t know what to say, to truly make anyone understand.

I know, through my faith, it will get better. Things will settle down again and I’ll be able to breathe better. I just wish that time would be quicker. All the doctors’ visits and trips to the hospital are waring me down even faster.

My friends, please try to understand where I’m coming from and know that I do feel horrible about all of it. No matter what, someone will always be hurt by something that happens or decisions made. I want so badly to continue. I know I will be back to it. But right now, I need to reach within and find the person I am and fight like hell against all of this. I’ll never pretend to know what it’s like walking in someone else’s shoes, nor will I say that my life is worse than someone else’s. So please, give me that same respect. I’m not at a good place where I can really explain it all without messing it up royally. Maybe soon, I can.

I’m trying to put myself back into writing it out. Making more posts on my other blog…. “The Ramblings of a NOT So Silent Survivor”. It helps to write and to get it out. Maybe it will help bring me to a better place faster.

I have the best friends, creative team and fans ever. If not for the support of all of them, I’d be worse off. I truly mean that. For anyone that is effected by this in any way, negatively, I apologize. It’s not my intention.

My freebies will stay up, and my PTU items will stay in stores! You can visit my stores on the links on the left sidebar.

For now my friends, I say thank you so much for everything. For the love, prayers, understanding and support. I WILL be back! Even if it’s to just post a random freebie… I’m not leaving forever!

Love always,

Shani

10 comments:

  1. I wish you all the best and you need to take care of yourself first no matter what. My prayers and thoughts are with you and I hope everything works out for you and your family (((((Hugs)))))

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  2. Shani I understand and wanted to just send a hug we dont know each other but plz know the psp world is out there and will be when you feel up to it again.
    lottsa love

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  3. Hun...sometimes we have to get our priorities straight....I too am in a hiatus....do what you have to do for you...your family and health comes first...without our health we can't take care of anyone. The digital world will be here when and if you decide to come back...just take it easy...live...love...laugh...be positive and everything will fall into place...Who know's and during this time you discover new things that will make you happy....love you and wish you nothing but the best. You are a great human being and I know you will do fine in anything you set your mind to. Take care of yourself first...everything else can wait. Love you.

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  4. you take as much time as you need darling..

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  5. I am sitting here crying for your pain and confusion you are not alone and in time things will get better but for now take care of you and your family come back when your ready to God Bless

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  6. I'm sorry you're going through rough times. I hope it all works out the best for you. Take care

    Evita

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  7. We all adore you hunny...You just do what YOU need to do ok....xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  8. You will be missed. BUT don't let that stop you from doing what you have to do. Your health, family and life comes first and foremost!

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  9. Aww hun it is ok!! Many of us know what it is like to lose that mojo no matter what our creativity or life ambitions are! You deserve a break! HUGS

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  10. Sweetie, you need to take care of yourself like you're doing. Of course we'll miss you while you're away, but we'll be here with open arms to welcome you back with a big 'ol sign that says "WELCOME BACK SHANI." Anyone who has suffered illnesses that have prevented them from doing what they love will understand where you're coming from. I deal with depression and there are days when I just want to lay in bed while doing nothing. I feel for you and I'm always here if you want to talk.
    ~Rebecca~

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